"Why Can't I Relax?" | Body-First Relaxation

Try this right now with me:

• Drop your shoulders down away from your ears.

• Unclench your jaw.

• Let the tiny muscles around your eyes and forehead soften.

• Take one slow, deep breath.

  
  

Do you feel a little different? Even if it’s just a tiny difference? That’s your nervous system responding.

A lot of times we think that if we relax, our body will follow. But the truth is, it's a two-way street.

If your body is tense, your brain might think something is wrong — and grab onto the next possible fear or "threat" and attach it to your feeling.

So you think you're more stressed about something than you are, but your body is exacerbating it.

This is good news though, because it means we have another avenue of relaxation available to us: "Body-first" relaxation.

Whether you're seriously stressed for good reason, or you're tense for reasons unknown, these tips can help you start to unwind.

The science of “body first”

If you’ve ever told yourself “just relax” and your brain laughed in your face... it's because relaxation isn’t just mental. It’s biological.

Your body and mind are in constant conversation. When your jaw is tight, your shoulders are scrunched, and your breath is shallow, your brain interprets those signals as danger.

And once your brain thinks you’re in danger, the anxious thoughts pour in.

This happens to me all the time, so I looked into what exactly is going on in our bodies and minds when this happens, and there are a few explanations:

• Interoception: This word literally means "the process of sensing and interpreting bodily signals." Your brain constantly scans your body — your heart rate, breath, muscle tension, and more. If it senses “stress,” your mind matches those sensations with anxious thoughts.
  

• The vagus nerve: This is the nerve that links your brain to your gut. When it's worked up, we can feel off-kilter and on edge. When it's relaxed, we feel better. Slow breathing, softening your jaw, even humming can activate it — flipping you into "rest" mode.
  

• Polyvagal theory: Instead of just "calm" and "panic," we have a whole spectrum of nervous system states. Relaxing your body nudges you toward the state of safety and connection, and even slow movement is productive.
  

• James-Lange theory: Your emotions don’t just create bodily reactions — your bodily reactions shape your emotions. If you unclench your jaw and relax your muscles, your brain is more likely to register calm.
  

• Dr. Joe Dispenza in Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: "As you think different thoughts, your brain circuits fire in corresponding sequences, patterns, and combinations, which then produce levels of mind equal to those thoughts. One these specific networks of neurons are activated, the brain produces specific chemicals with the exact signature to match those thoughts, so that you can feel the way you were just thinking. Then, when you have great thoughts, or loving thoughts, or joyous thoughts, you produce chemicals that make you feel great, or loving, or joyful. The same holds true if you have negative, fearful, or impatient thoughts. In a mattter of seconds, you begin to feel negative, or anxious, or impatient. There's a certain synchronicity moment by moment between the brain and the body. In fact, as we begin to feel the way we are thinking, because the brain is in constant communication with the body, we begin to think the way we are feeling. The brain constantly monitors the way the body is feeling. Based on the chemical feedback it receives, it will generate more thoughts that produce chemicals corresponding to the way the body is feeling — so that we first begin to feel the way we think, and then, to think the way we feel."

That means when you soften your body, you’re literally changing the raw data input your brain uses to decide how to feel.

A lesson from my dog (and Cesar Millan)

I was lucky enough to take my dog to see Cesar Millan once. He has a weird fear of the iPhone text ding sounds (reasons why are still a mystery). The moment someone gets a text with their sound on, he would pace, whine, cry, and completely work himself up.

Cesar’s advice shocked me: don’t let him pace. Hold him gently but firmly in place. The pacing wasn’t helping him, it was making him more upset. His body was egging on his brain to panic — somewhat validating his initial feelings of fear.

And I realized: we do this too.

• We fidget, scroll, snack (hi stress eating), or pace.
  

• We clench our jaw or grind our teeth (me right now).
  

• Our breath gets shallow.
  

All those little reactions are our own version of my dog pacing. They tell the brain: something’s wrong, and the brain obliges with a flood of anxious thoughts.

And that can turn into a spiral of body and brain freaking each other out, even when there's no real threat in front of you at the moment.

Breaking the loop — body first

Instead of trying to outrun or outthink anxiety, we can start with the body, and try to convince the mind that we're not in trouble.

That’s the whole idea behind somatic exercises and yin yoga.

Somatic Exercises

“Somatic” just means “of the body.” Somatic exercises are gentle, mindful movements that bring your awareness back to physical sensations — posture, breath, tension, grounding.

They’re not about getting fit. They’re about teaching your nervous system how to feel safe again.

A few examples I like and do often:

• Somatic exercises: These are light exercises and poses that can help release tension in the body. Some even recommend this for deep mental healing and trauma. This can range from hip-opening exercises, to gentle movement, to shaking the body. Here's a great example of the somatic exercise of shaking.
  

• Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups one at a time. I do this in bed when I can't sleep — I go from my face down the body. Squeeze hard for 5 seconds, release, and move onto the next muscle group. Here's a guided how-to video.
  

• Grounding through the senses: Take a breathe, look around, and name the following:
  

  • 5 things you can see

  • 4 you can touch

  • 3 you can hear

  • 2 things you can smell

  • 1 thing you can taste

  I learned this one from a sweet nurse in the hospital when I ended up there from a panic attack. I really thought nothing could help me, but I felt better within 10 minutes. Shout out to her. Here's a cute guided video.
  

• Somatic breathwork: Slow inhales, even slower exhales — signaling to your body: “We’re okay.” Here's a great guided somatic breathwork meditation.
  

Yin Yoga

Yin Yoga is like a supercharged somatic exercise.

Unlike fast-flow yoga, yin is about holding poses for minutes at a time, usually seated or lying down.

You don’t push or strain, you soften into the poses through deep breaths and gravity. The longer holds stretch connective tissue and gently lull the nervous system into deeper stillness.

(I call it "lazy girl yoga" for fun, but not to downplay it — it's seriously powerful.)

The benefits go way deeper than flexibility:

• Long-held tension finally unwinds (like taking the weight off your shoulders literally)

• Your nervous system learns how to “stay” instead of run (and that staying is safe)

• Some people even feel emotional release when the body finally lets go (like unlocking and letting go deeply- and tightly-held emotions)

I like to turn down the lights, light a candle, put on my comfiest clothes (like a sweatshirt and sweatpants), grab a blanket and a pillow to use as a bolster, and lock in. Ultimate cozy mode.

If you do this before bed, I recommend trying to avoid your phone between finishing and going to sleep. You'll sleep like a baby.

Here’s a great one to try that goes through the basics.

Final thoughts

Whether it’s my dog pacing after a text ding, or you clenching your jaw at your laptop, the principle is the same: the body leads, the mind follows.

So next time you feel spun up, don’t just tell yourself to relax. Show yourself that you're safe. Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Take a breath. Try a somatic reset or get lost in a guided yin yoga session.

Because sometimes the quickest way to calm your mind isn’t by thinking harder — it’s by reminding your body it’s safe enough to let go.